As I type this on Halloween night, children are walking up and down the street in their costumes and I realize that this time of year is full of celebrations. What is the best way to deal with holiday invitations and celebrations? Is it safe to go to the house of someone you don’t know? Are there special rules to follow if you are going to invite people over to your house? How can you stay safe and still have a good time?

Some rules are clear: if you drink any alcohol at all do not drive; plan to get a ride home or take public transportation. Double check holiday bus and train schedules and the weather forecast (getting to a party in a blizzard is not worth risking an accident.)

It may seem like fun to accept a ride or walk home with someone you just met at a party, but these tempting situations could lead to danger. Don’t give out your address or show anyone where you live. If you meet someone new that you would like to spend time with, follow the suggestions in last month’s article about online socializing– the same rules apply.

The safest thing is to go partying only when you are invited by someone you know. It need not be a close friend, it should be someone you feel comfortable going to his or her home. If you know nothing about the person’s reputation or where the person lives, it is better to decline politely. It can be difficult for those of us on the spectrum to make this sort of determination, so the best policy is first, before accepting any invitation, to get advice from someone you trust: a good friend, your dorm advisor, a sibling, or your parents.

“Second-hand” invitations can be tricky. A friend might say, “My cousin is having a big Christmas dinner and he said I could bring a friend. Will you come?” Although you don’t know the person who is hosting the event, if you are getting a second-hand invitation from a source you trust thoroughly, such as a good friend, you can probably say yes.

Problems arise when you get a second-hand invitation from a source you don’t know as well. Someone might say to you, “This girl from my chemistry class is having a huge party New Year’s. She said I could bring anybody else who wants to come. Will you join me?”

Clearly you know nothing about the girl from chemistry class. If the person who is inviting you to come along isn’t a good friend, this generally is not a good situation to go into. You don’t know what the party is going to be like, or what type of people will be there. Again, always check with someone you trust.

If you invite people to your home for a celebration, again it is wisest to invite people you know. This doesn’t mean you can’t invite a new friend. Parties and celebrations help people get to know each other better. But if you don’t know someone at all, you can’t predict how he will behave in your house. What if he is rude, or drinks to excess, or even steals?

Decide in advance if your guests can bring other guests. It is considered polite to let your guests bring along their girlfriend/boyfriend or spouse. If you trust someone in general, you can usually also trust them to make good decisions about second-hand guests, and this might be a good opportunity to meet his buddies and expand your social circle.

But if you want a lot of control over who is in your home, then don’t allow guests to bring along other guests who aren’t significant others. You can politely say that you’ve got everything already set up.

Most people on the holidays are just having a good time, and you should too. But for some the holidays are a time of emotional vulnerability: They could feel lonely if they are away from friends and family and don’t have a place to go. Someone having an emotional issue on the holidays may act differently toward you or behave in peculiar ways. This is a very subtle problem that is hard to explain. If someone is especially lonely or depressed, he or she may pressure you to socialize when you don’t want to, or may advance on you romantically when, under normal circumstances, they wouldn’t be interested in you this way. The holidays are not a good time for jumping into new relationships, or changing your social life around drastically. Most people are just having fun, but if you feel uncomfortable or you have any questions about what might be going on socially with somebody, always ask someone you trust for solid advice.

You yourself may have difficult feelings come up, and it helps to have healthy ways in place to manage these emotions. If you feel lonely, you can call local churches and synagogues to see if they are holding any community celebrations. Some community centers offer holiday events where you can meet others and have a good time.

Most important: iIf you are having a seriously hard time coping over the holidays, if you feel suicidal, or if you can’t function, get professional help immediately or go to your local hospital emergency room.

One healthy way to cope with these heavy holiday feelings is to allow yourself to have fun in addition. If you always had a Christmas tree in your home when you were little, buy one and decorate it. If you want to celebrate Hanukkah, get yourself a special menorah. Treat yourself to latkes or Christmas cookies. Don’t miss out on the fun just because you live alone or are single.

Lastly, the events surrounding holidays, parties, and celebrations are full of “hidden curriculum” information too numerous to elaborate upon in this short article. On the most basic level, dress appropriately, attend to your personal hygiene, and be polite. If going to a party, bring a small but appropriate gift to your host, perhaps a tree ornament or flowers. Be sure to thank the host for inviting you. Have a plan of action ready in advance for coping with sensory or food emergencies that may arise.

For more “hidden curriculum” information, such as what to wear, what gift to bring the host, how to exit a party early without causing offense, or what to do if you don’t like the food served, ask someone you trust to fill you in.

The author reminds readers that you can send in your social safety questions to the author at aspienews@zaksfamily.com. Parents, teachers, and friends are also welcome to ask questions. This column is for you. Until next month!

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Communicating Across The Divide:
A New Perspective On Making Spectrum/Non-Spectrum Relationships Work
Autism Asperger's Digest Magazine, March/April 2005

Your girlfriend asked you a question, and now she is feeling ignored. You can’t understand why she’s so frustrated – you were planning on answering, but not right away. Last week, she started crying because you couldn’t tell she was upset! And how on Earth were you supposed to know she was just kidding when she called you, “Dummy”? Is there a way for couples where one is on the spectrum and one is not to bridge the communication gap?

My wife Gena and I gave a workshop on enhancing communication in intimate relationships, but were surprised to find that the hard-won techniques we’ve come up with over the years work for parents, siblings, friends, caregivers, teachers and co-workers too. As people jotted down notes and asked for more demonstrations, Gena and I realized we were on to something.

A lot of literature that touches on the subject of miscommunication and struggles in spectrum/non-spectrum relationships focuses heavily on all the problems caused by the Autistic partner. I have not yet seen a book discuss all the problems the non-spectrum partner’s behavior and limits can cause! Gena and I have a firm family policy that both partners are responsible for bridging differences and validating each one’s unique set of needs and circumstances. Both partners must adapt to each other.

Autistic people may process emotional and social exchanges at a slower pace, while those not on the spectrum usually expect prompt responses to questions and statements. What can be done so the non-spectrum person does not feel ignored? And what can be done so the Autistic person does not feel rushed or pressured? Gena and I came up with the Index Card System. We each have a set of Flash Cards that we made together and that we use in every day living. My favorite Flash Card is the one that says, “Processing.” I flash this card whenever I need a moment to sort it all out. Gena knows she’s been heard and her need for an answer is validated. So is my need for time.

Her favorite Flash Card is probably, “My Turn.” If she feels like she can’t get a word in edgewise because I’m off on a tangent about my favorite subject du jour, or I’m not noticing conversational signals that I’ve had a lot of air time, she flashes the “My Turn” card to let me know she would like to respond, add something, or talk about something new. Her “My Turn” card is really cute. She drew a picture of a smiling clock on it.

You might think this sounds silly – who flashes index cards at each other while hanging out in the living room? But this simple and creative technique has been a relationship saver. Index Cards can be made to address a wide range of conversational and behavioral issues that might come up. And they fit in your pocket.

Autistic people also tend to have great difficulty decoding and integrating non-verbal clues and messages. One time, my wife came in lugging a huge load of groceries. She was huffing a little bit and said something cryptic like, “Geez – these bags sure are heavy.” She was scrunching up her face and juggling the bags in her arms. I was at my computer, focused intensely on my current project, when suddenly I was in trouble big time!

She wanted to know how could I be a genius on the one hand and not realize she needed help on the other. Well, I had no idea her facial muscles were indicating upset, I didn’t pick up the innuendo in her statement, and I didn’t generalize from similar situations. As soon as I knew she needed help, I rushed over. And thus we hit upon another system to help bridge the gap: Direct Statements.

If you are not on the spectrum, try blindfolding yourself (no peeking!) and then attempt to figure out what someone else is hoping to convey to you without using any words. That’s what it feels like. Now have the other person say something simple and easy like, “These groceries are hurting my arm. Please help me carry them.” The stereotype of Autistic people lacking compassion and empathy probably stems from non-verbal language deficits. Your facial expressions and your body language are foreign languages someone Autistic can’t speak or read. If the other person can’t get your message with her eyes closed, don’t be surprised when the message is bungled.

A few basic other tips and techniques are useful as well. Hand signals, like Flash Cards, indicate instructions and deliver information in a concrete way. In our house, a ‘V’ formed with two fingers signals a need to modulate voice volume. The flow of the conversation doesn’t have to stop, no one’s pride is hurt, and with discretion, Hand Signals work in public too. Flashing the family sign for “Sensory Overload” lets others know I’m not being rude if I bolt out of the restaurant.

We also use Interaction Schedules. Autistic people tend to need blocks of time alone – to think, to work on their projects, and to calm the nervous system. Set aside specific portions of each week for uninterruptible Autistic-style focus time, including “down” time after events heavy on sensory input and social exchange. The Interaction Schedule allows the Autistic person to set boundaries without being rude. The Interaction Schedule also indicates clearly in advance times when social participation is required or desired. By periodically checking his Interaction Schedule, the spectrum partner knows when he is expected to join certain activities. He can schedule special projects and time alone around blocks of family time and other social obligations, which in turn re-assures non-Autistic family members that their social needs will be met, too.

Reaction Rules spell out clearly what behavior is expected in different emotional contexts. Again, Autistic people aren’t lacking in compassion – we just don’t always know that it is time to react and how. Create a list of Reaction Rules to guide responses to certain feelings or situations. For example, if someone is crying, the Reaction Rule might be to approach and offer comfort. Agree to the rules in advance. Don’t try to come up with rules in the middle of live action. Use visual clues and charts that display the preferred behavior if necessary.

It may seem disappointing to relegate emotional life to a set of rules. But rules delineate what is expected. If you aren’t on the spectrum, you can feel frustrated your whole life because your spectrum partner never notices the non-verbal clues that indicate your need for reassurance. Or, you can create a Reaction Rule: “When you see me pacing back and forth through the kitchen, you should give me a hug and ask me what’s bothering me.” Saying to somebody, “I’m upset right now. Please do something from the list of Reaction Rules to show me you love me,” is a lot easier than stewing your whole life because nobody understands you. Make sure the Reaction Rules are responses that both partners are comfortable with – it’s not fair to make a rule requesting a hug from someone with tactile sensitivities.

We also use Rating Scales for different emotions. When an Autistic person is upset, she is totally upset. We usually do not experience gradation of emotion. We may also be confused when we have two conflicting emotions – which one takes priority? If the store is out of your favorite ice cream flavor, use an Upset Scale and rate the incident. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst, most people would rate this problem about a 1 or a 2.

Make scales with incidents and problems from your life. Perhaps a 1 on your Upset Scale might be dropping a paper clip, a 5 might be breaking your foot, and a 10 might be a terrible tragedy. Scales can help us cognitively recognize where an incident lies in the grand scheme of things.

Match Reaction Rules to your Rating Scales. Level 2 – getting to the store and discovering they are out of Double Mint Fudge – might warrant a few minutes of being sad and filing an official complaint with the manager, but a Level 2 situation shouldn’t ruin the whole night.

Take your left hand and mimic a scale to sort out several feelings at once. You might say, “I am disappointed that the store is out of my favorite ice cream at a Level 3.” Then take your right hand, and again make a scale motion. You might say, “But I’m having fun in other ways at a Level 7, like going to see my favorite movie in a few minutes.” Using the balance beam can really help sort out “amounts” of different feelings, to see which one weighs more. This provides perspective on the overall situation.

A hidden bonus to using Rating Scales for different emotions: Because the Autistic person is not relying tone of voice, inflection, facial expressions, and body language to convey an inner emotional state, the extent or depth of the non-spectrum partner’s feelings may not be obvious. An Autistic person might look totally calm when in fact she is absolutely terrified, for example, so pointing to a number on the Rating Scale can enhance emotional communication and create dialog that might otherwise never happen.

Color Codes are also useful – for example, code different levels of anger or happiness with colors. By matching your feeling to the correct color, partners can gauge each other’s emotional state. Code Red for anger indicates intense anger – even if the Autistic partner is talking in a monotone voice. Vice-versa, Code Yellow for anger indicates only mild irritation – even if the Autistic partner is pacing around, waving his arms, or using an extremely loud voice.

Emotions Cards and a Face Journal provide partners with quick ways to identify feelings. Emotions Cards display a person expressing certain emotion – sadness, anger, joy – and can be flashed or given to the other person when dialogue would be too complicated or intense. And a Face Journal of family members making different facial expressions can help an Autistic person match facial expressions to feelings when emotions are flying.

Keep a journal: Do certain issues keep coming up? Is one problem never resolved? Has communication actually improved through the use of Flash Cards, Hand Gestures, direct emotional statements, and Reaction Rules? What seems to be working, and what isn’t? Both can use journals for self-reflection and assessment.

It may seem that the gap between those on the spectrum and those not, especially in intimate relationships, is impossibly wide. The Autistic partner can be frustrated by seemingly endless demands for social exchange and emotional interaction, balking at interruptions and quietude. The non-spectrum partner can be as equally frustrated by seemingly endless misunderstandings, feeling ignored or unappreciated. But it is possible for the non-spectrum partner to learn how to respect Autistic ways of feeling, thinking, and communicating. And it is possible for the Autistic partner to learn how to respect what matters to the non-spectrum partner.

Hoping and betting on a Prince Charming who can guess your mind and who always knows exactly what to do in life may not be the healthiest ideal anyway. Autistic people bring to the table an opportunity for direct and honest communication, clear expectations, and realistic boundaries. All people can benefit from these gifts and from a wider range of options for sharing feelings and expressing closeness, which is something unique that we bring to the world.

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